I suppose I should write some more something. The fans have been clamoring about it. They have … honest. And none of that crap I’ve been shoveling lately (relatively speaking) either. Well, to tell you the truth, that’s all there is. I mean, it’s not like I actually have anything to say, or that it’s going to make any difference to anyone, including me, or that something, anything will change … ever.
Still, I was thinking the other day (not really the other day, it’s just for dramatic effect) that dying kinda sucks. I mean, sure, life sucks also, and I’m not being some dick-licking hippie emo motherfucker about this either, life does really suck, there’s no discussion, but I’m assuming *not*life would suck even more. Or not at all, if you prefer another perspective. This is all just speculation, but I guess I can make as much as an assumption as anyone about, this seeing how no one has yet to have died and lived to tell about it. Well, I suppose Jesus did … and Lazarus. But we only have Jesus’ side of the story so I guess you *could* just take his word for it.
But, and I don’t want to call it ‘mythology’ but I can’t think of a better word at the moment, so, mythology aside, for the sake of this discussion, I guess you will agree with me that non-existing would kinda suck. I mean, life is bad but at least you *know* it is. Of, course, as a human you rarely are actually aware of the fact that there really isn’t anything else after this, sure, you *know* it, you can try to rationalize it but deep down inside you still don’t quite comprehend it and what it means.
There’s a perfectly good reason for it, the mind is just protecting itself from a potentially very harmful emotion: sheer terror. It’s sheer terror what you feel when you truly grasp the notion that this is it, this shitty, crappy, useless, pointless, devoid of life life is all you’re ever going to get. There are no second chances, there isn’t anything better on the other side, or anything worse for that matter.
How does one die with “his mind at ease” knowing this. What could you have possibly accomplished in this life that you could come to terms with the fact that it’s nearly over. I don’t think you can. I believe it’s all bullshit. It’s just pure terror and then nothing. No one dies peacefully … unless they’re high.
So what on earth could possibly behoove (say it with me … *bee-hoooove … *and no, it doesn’t make any sense in this context) a man, or woman, to take his own life. I mean, sure, there are some circumstances where I would understand, certain psychological shocks and traumas that would push a man to lose his reason and do this. But what I’m talking about is the more methodical kind of suicide. Where one thinks about it, fantasizes about it until it becomes an obsession. I suppose this too I can understand, I think I do, but still, somehow I’m not convinced.
This coming from a man who doesn’t believe he will ever be happy, doesn’t even known what happiness could possibly be, and one who doesn’t find anyone else’s versions so far to be valid. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that happiness exists and I also believe that people can be happy. It’s just that I don’t get their idea of happiness, it doesn’t work on me.
And of course there isn’t one ‘universal’ notion of happiness to apply to all men. Some may be satisfied with having “what they want” in life, money, women, power whatever. I believe that these people can indeed be happy and truly are, at least some of them. Some may believe that raising a family is the sole purpose of life (it actually is) and find happiness in doing that. Again, I believe that, at least some of them are actually happy. And then comes the more spiritual bullshit, either more practical or more religious.
Religion is much too broad a subject to discuss it, however briefly, here so I’ll just pass over it. There are those that, while finding the fraud of organised religion to be a little too blatant for them, will turn to some form of alternative spirituality be it individual or collective. Some ‘enlightened’ individuals will go on about harmony, nature, people … the “little things in life.” Taking pleasure in the things you already have.
How the fuck is this not lowering your standards. Being happy with what you have not with what you want. I find this to be the most retarded and hypocritical view of all. Something like Mohammed and the mountain only in reverse. The mountain won’t come to Mohammed so Mohammed goes to the mountain. Fucking brilliant.
You realize you can’t have the things that you believe will make you happy so you decide to be ‘happy’ with the ones you have. DO NOT CONFUSE PLEASURE WITH HAPPINESS PEOPLE! Just because you like something, just because you enjoy it doesn’t make you happy. Get over yourselves._____________________
So I wrote this more than a month ago and its been sitting here in draft form gathering dust … of sorts. Well, I finally go to it, cleaned it up a bit (mostly just adding a couple of ‘fucks’ along the way) and I posting it as it is, probably incomplete but fuck it … better than nothing. Oh yeah, so I wrote it in English for some reason.